


Wolfstar oneshots (leave requests in the comments)

by peanut_in_the_goal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Easter, Easter Eggs, Fluff, Food, Hurt/Comfort, I swear, Just... a lot of angst, M/M, Runaway Sirius Black, Struggles with Eating, Suicide Attempt, The Prank, a lot of these are short, and i spologize, ha..., i have longer stuff on tumblr, im sorry, like v short, no im not, oneshots, poor self image, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:29:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28120917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peanut_in_the_goal/pseuds/peanut_in_the_goal
Summary: Wolfstar oneshots1- Sirius tries to kill himself2 - Easter fluff one shot3 - Power Outage in their London flat4 - Sirius runs away to Remus and not James5 - uh literally just a drabble where Sirius is struggling with eating and body image. big tw so read with caution6 - sirius and remus arguing7 - meeting the lupins for the first time8 - after sirius pulls The Prank on Remus
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52





	1. I can't do this anymore

“I always disappoint someone!” Sirius yelled, his voice raspy and hoarse from his breakdown earlier. “Whether it’s you or James or Pete or - or…” He cuts himself off. His ragged breath being the only thing heard in the otherwise silent room. 

Sirius held his hand out in front of him, watching them shake before clenching them in fists, tight enough to make half-moons carved to his hands. He looked back at Remus, broken and upset. His thoughts all over the place, he opens and closes his mouth before managing to end his sentence.

“My parents,” his voice cracks and he breaks all over again. The tears finally fall, a sob ripping through his throat. 

“Re…” he breathes, doubling over. “I— I can’t. Re I can’t!” he sobs. One hand clutches his chest, the other gripping onto Remus’ sweater, like a lifeline. And from all Remus knew it was. 

“Si—” But Remus gets cut off. Sirius looks up eyes frantic, hands shaking as they are both gripping onto Remus now. He can’t leave. Stay, Remus has to stay! Sirius doesn’t know what he would do if Remus actually left.

“I can’t do this anymore! Moo— Moo-ny I can’t!” Tears streaming down his face, his voice cracking over his words. 

Remus looked down and his concerned and curious. He holds onto to Sirius’ arms lightly before pulling him into a hug. 

“Can’t do what Siri? Come on I need you to breathe for me.” He ran his hands up and down his back, feeling Sirius sob into his shoulder. “Shh,” he soothed gently.

“I can’t take it! I can’t Rem! I— I just want it to end. I want to be g-gone.” His voice muffled through Remus’ sweater. Remus’ heart shatters. He holds Sirius tighter as if it were the only thing keeping him together.

His mind is brought back to when Sirius first tried. 

It had been a Monday night, at the end of the fourth year. He had turned 15 earlier in the year. It had been only a week until summer break. Remus found him, picking up his scent when he walked into the dorm.

***

Finally, Remus thought, Class, is over. 

Sirius had been missing most of the day. After lunch, he had disappeared.

“Be back lads,” he said with a smile, before promptly getting up and walking out of the Great Hall, only hours before. Remus shook his head, ridding himself of all those intrusive thoughts. Surely Sirius hadn’t done anything stupid. Honestly the idiot probably just skived off today to try to catch up on sleep or something. 

As Remus reached the dormitory door he immediately got worried. He could feel the wolf clawing and fighting to reach the surface. To take over and break free. It registered to him that the wolf could sense something vulnerable was nearby, 

Something weak, something hurt, some sort of prey. Slowly Remus opened the door, doing all he could to fight the wolf back down. Immediately the smell of copper hit him. His eyes widened “Sirius,” he breathes. Throwing the door open he sprinted to the bathroom.

Grabbing the door handle he twisted it. Shaking it, trying to get it open in his flurry of panic. Locked, he noticed. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,” he curses. Raising his hand to bang on the door. 

“Sirius!” He yells. The scent of copper had gotten stronger, easily recognizable as blood. Frantically he pounds on the door, before searching his robes for his wand. 

Finding it, he casts the simple unlocking spell, before almost slamming the door off his hinges, rushing into the small room. The smell of blood is so much stronger, it surrounds him. He spots Sirius quickly.

Laying in the bathtub with a puddle of his own blood around him. His wrists slit and his skin and face were so much paler than natural. His body limp, eyes shut, his chest showed no indication or him breathing. 

Remus’ stomach churns. Sirius, his mate, was covered in his own blood. The boy he loved, had taken his own life. Remus felt tears spring to his eyes, a sob breaking through the normally composed marauder. He hadn’t even gotten the chance to tell Sirius how he felt. Now he’d never known if Sirius felt the same. 

“God I could have prevented this!” He yelled at no one. His frustration and rage came to the surface. Unwillingly so, the wolf broke free. 

Mate, love, protect, it said. Save, must save.

He threw himself down next to Sirius, gingerly picking up one of his bloody wrists. Pointing his wand at it, he willed himself to remember healing spells. The one Snape made, that was one of the strongest he’s ever seen.

“Santauer, vulnera, what was it, what was it?” he mumbled, “Vulnera Santauer!” He said, remembering the correct order. He traced his wand along the edge of the split skin, repeating it twice more before moving to the other wrist. He did the same to that one, before trying to shake Sirius awake.

He had tears running down his face, Sirius couldn’t die! He wouldn’t! He wouldn’t do that to me. Remus yelled in his head.

He took Sirius by the shoulders, shaking him. He cried harder seeing Sirius’ head lull side to side. Remus’ vision was going blurry he had to get help, fast!

***

Remus remembers that night vividly. It was only 2 years prior but he thought Sirius had been getting better. After he woke up in the hospital sometime later, Remus had confessed his feelings to him. He told him of the way that he noticed his beautiful smile, the way his eyes lit up in the light. 

He thinks back to the way Sirius smiled that night, the way he held onto his hand. A whispered I love you too, into the silence of the hospital wing.

Remus couldn’t lose him again. He wouldn’t lose him again. So he decided, he would never let Sirius go down that road again. Not alone.

He hugged Sirius tighter if that was even possible. The memory of that day bright tears to his eyes.

“Don’t do it.” He whispered. “I’m not losing you. Okay? I can’t.” He knew it was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t be trying to guilt Sirius into staying, but he didn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t know how else to convince him! Sirius would stay if he realized that someone didn’t want him gone. That once he realized that everyone didn’t hate him, it was just in his head.

“I need you okay. I need to know you’re here when I wake up when I go to sleep. I need to be able to kiss you good morning and goodnight. I need to be there for you, and for you to be there for me. I need you, Sirius! Promise me something, love. Promise me you’ll always be here for me, that you won’t leave me. Please, Sirius, I don’t know what I would do if you left,” he sobbed. He hadn’t realized how true this was until he said it.

Slowly he backed them away for the astronomy tower ledge. Feeling Sirius’ gasps turn into hiccups and his body relax slightly into he felt reassured.

“Okay,” Sirius said, “Okay.”


	2. D-Did you just crack an egg on my head?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally just fluff
> 
> Prompt - The store ran out of Easter eggs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS SHORT IM SORRY

“Di-Did you just crack a real egg on my head?” Remus stood flabbergasted, looking at Sirius. Sirius smiled sheepishly, bringing his hands behind his back and dropping the crushed eggshells into the grass.

“Possibly,” he fluttered his eyelids, eyelashes fanning over his cheeks. It almost distracted Remus. Almost, if it weren’t for the yolk that dripped down the side of his face.

“Sirius,” he sputtered, swiping at the remains of the eggs to try and get the disgusting cold texture out of his hair. And Sirius laughed at his dismay, his eyes closing as the sound rumbled out of him.

And Remus can’t even be mad when he does that, he’s too in love. Because Sirius is perfect in his eyes, always has been. 

“At least tell me why you’ve done this,” he scoffed. “It’s Easter!”

Sirius shrugged, giving him a cheeky grin.

“The store ran out of Easter eggs,” he says point-blank like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Remus gawks at him.

“You couldn’t just, oh I don’t, conjure up some? Transfigure the real ones? You’re a bloody wizard for merlin’s sake!”

Sirius laughed again, well not laughed, more like a giggle. A very Sirius like giggle. 

“And miss this fun? No way Moony.”

Remus felt his lips twitch into a smile, reaching for the carton of eggs that Sirius had so stupidly left on the table.

“Your right Padfoot, this is far too fun to miss.” Sirius’ eyes widened in realization, he shrieked. Taking off in the opposite direction as fast as his feet could carry him. Of course, he was no match for Remus and his speed from being a werewolf. 

“Not the hair!”


	3. outage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Power outage in their Flat, Sirius freaks out

Remus was watching the television? (Is that what it’s called?) downstairs. Some silly Muggle program. Sirius laughed to himself, thinking of the few shows that had tried to portray what being a wizard was like.

He continued making tea in the kitchen. He had just put the kettle on, waiting for it to heat. He hummed the tune of some stupid jingle that had gotten stuck in his head, toying with the loose bun that was tied to the back of his head.

He jumped up, sitting on the counter, while he waited. Remus would surely chide him for it if he saw him. Sirius went over his day in his head. It was Saturday night, he and moony had a lazy day. They stayed home watching Disney movies. (Remus vowed to make Sirius watch every single one after learning he didn’t get to watch them as a kid) (stupid posh parents)

The kettle shrieked, scaring the living daylights out of him before he smiled at his own stupidity. He (very carefully) jumped down to take the kettle off the stove.

He took 2 mugs out of the cabinet. (One for him and one for Remus) He poured the water, slowly he remembered. (Last time he did it fast and it splashed up and burned his wrist) Quickly finding his favorite tea (Green tea) and Remus’ (Earl Grey) before placing both of the bags in, letting them seep.

He poured sugar into his, (as if his chaotic being needed it) A respective amount. (Mhm sure, totally not like 4 scoops worth)

He felt today was a good day, a better one then he’s had in a while. Just him and Re, content and wasting the day away together. No work, no order business, just them.

It was around 9 at night now. Outside was dark with the exception of the street lights that lit their neighborhood. The two of them had gotten a flat near muggle London, closer to the bookstore that Remus worked at.

They often got take out (like they did today) from the small Chinese restaurant from down the street. It was a family owned business. (which may have been why they liked it so much)

It was owned by a small family, a mum, dad, their two daughters, and a younger son. The mom was super sweet, knowing them both by their names as they were regulars there. The daughters (twins) were hard working who helped out whenever they could.

It was funny to then that they looked so similar, but had completely different personalities. One of them resembled the mum perfectly while the other resembled the dad. (They each had a mini me it seemed like)

Their dad was good friends with them. Sometimes he and Sirius would watch the “big sports game” that went on that week together. (Sirius had found a liking to certain sports, comparing it to quidditch when he and Remus were alone.)

He had read a number of the same books that Remus had, the two of them making references left and right, that Sirius was having trouble keeping up with. He was a smart and funny guy, let loose and free spirit, but at times he could get so focused and drown the rest of the world out.

The son was a mix of them both. He was 13 ( 2 years younger than the girls). Super kind and level headed, but also had that furious calm like his father that made him stand out. He had his dad’s eyes, which was what Remus noticed immediately.

They liked going there. (They also always got free egg rolls, but that was just a bonus)

It was nice seeing them work as a family, welcoming people with open arms.

He turned, realizing he left the stove on.

“Wait, shit,” he mumbled to himself, shutting it off quickly. “That could’ve ended horribly.” A small chuckle escaped through his lips before he placed the kettle back down. He’d deal with it later when it was cooled off.

Picking up both mugs, he padded back towards the living room to Remus.

That is until the lights flickered off.

_____________________  
Remus scrolled through the TV guide, channel surfing while he looked for something for him and Sirius to watch. He figured he could find a comedy, or some cheesy romance film, keep the mood of the daylight.

No such luck.

He sighed, clicking various buttons on the remote to see if they had anything recorded. Suddenly, the TV shut off with a click, the AC and lights following right after it. He furrowed his eyebrows, watching the lights die out in front of him.

At first, the only sound being crickets that chirped outside.

Then, he heard the distinctive sound of mugs crashing to the floor, a small thud followed by a weak cry.

“Remus.”


	4. in his moony's arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius runs away to remus

Sirius turned away from the door, his door. Just on the other side lay his bedroom. The one that was painted an ugly green, with posters upon posters up on the wall. Stick charms in place, keeping them there. He had pictures of his friends hanging there too. James, Peter, Remus, all of them laughing, arms slung over each other’s shoulders. 

He hated leaving it, but it had to say. He never thought he’d leave this place, as much as he hated it, it was his home. At least somewhat a home. 

Not like Hogwarts, where people loved him, they laughed  _ with  _ him, celebrated after quidditch games together. They grew up together, they’re  _ growing  _ up together. And it hits him that he’s just a kid because it’s so easy to forget that sometimes. He’s sixteen, and he’s leaving this home for good. He hated it here, since he was 8 and understood what the word  _ family  _ meant he hated it.

Home has always meant a person for Sirius, not a place. Home used to be Grimmauld Place, here with his parents and his little brother, they were their own little family. And it had worked, for a while. But the illusion of safety and love had quickly faded into something else entirely.

The next time he picked a home, it was at Hogwarts. As soon as he got on the train with that messy-haired boy who had glasses that magnified his eyes, he knew this was where he wanted to be. There wasn’t the need to prove himself to his parents, he didn’t have to sit up straight at the table or isolate himself in his room. 

He was at Hogwarts with his friends and his found family. That was the best feeling in the world. 

He shouldered his bag, his trunk was shrunk and safely stored inside. He was finally getting out, the thought brought a smile to his face. He started down the stairs, the last time he’d be walking these steps, last time he’d be in this miserable hell of a house. 

_ House, not home. _

His footsteps sounded louder as he padded down the steps, reaching the landing. His wrist still throbbed from his run in with his father earlier that day. His ribs were sore too, and he could feel his ankle swelling under his sock. But that wasn’t going to stop him. 

His vision was blurred and unfocused as he reached the landing, moving as quietly as he could from then on as to not wake Kreature. He almost made it to the door, hand outstretched, but he paused.  _ Did he really want to do this? Did he want to leave his baby brother here? _

He curses himself for stopping, because he knows how hard it was going to be to get going again.    
  


He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye, but he also knows he won’t leave if he sees his brother’s face again. He doesn’t really have a choice, does he? Sirius’ head snaps around when he hears a creek at the top of the stairs.

He panics, ready to fling himself out the door and run if it’s his parents. But when he turns to look, he sees a pair of the same eyes looking back at him. 

“Regulus…” He whispers his name, and he hopes it’s not going to be the last time he says it. That this isn’t going to be the last time they see each other, looking at each other, or even talking. He doesn’t want it to be the last time before starting his brother down on the war field.

He’s not going to hurt him then either, he can’t. He still sees his baby brother, the one that promised to follow him anywhere, the one who said he wanted to be a  _ Gryffindor.  _ Just like his big brother.

And now, looking him up and down, he’s grown up. The kid who used to be afraid of the monsters under his bed now sneers at him across the hall, the one who keeps his head down while his “friends” curse the mudbloods.

He sees the kid who wants to rebel but won’t because he’s too afraid to face the consequences.

But then again, he sees the scared grey eyes of his little brother who would come to him when he was afraid of the monsters under his bed.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Regulus is walking down the stairs, slowly with one hand sliding against the railing. “You’re finally getting out.” 

Sirius didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t place Regulus’s tone, whether it was defiance, or bitterness, or even sadness. 

“I’m sorry.” He faced Regulus fully now. “I just… I can’t stay.” He looked down and to the side, ashamed. He didn’t want to see the disappointment on his brother’s face, not that he’s never seen it before. But something in this moment felt different. 

“Leave.” 

“W-what?” Sirius snapped his eyes back up to his brothers. “You want me to go?”

Regulus stepped off the landing, “I want you to live, you idiot.” He walked towards Sirius, with a sad smile on his face. Sirius had to swallow a lump growing in his throat.

“Come with me.” The words surprised both of them.

“I can’t, you know this,” Regulus shook his head, pushing lightly at Sirius’ shoulder.

“Why, Reg, come on. We can get out, the both of us.” 

“Sirius, look… You got to rebel in your own way, let me rebel in mine.” 

“Quoi?” Sirius was affronted, not expecting that answer. “What do you mean, how are you rebelling.”

“You daft idiot. You rebelled by, let’s say  _ showing your displeasure—” _

“Their ideas and viewpoints are stupid.”

“Not the point. You rebelled out loud, showing your displeasure, and spoke. Sometimes yelled—”

“—yea, sometimes.”

“Can you just let me talk? We don’t have much time you prat.” Regulus sighed, running his hand through his hair. A habit he picked up from Sirius.

“Okay, okay, fine, speak.” Sirius held his hands up in surrender.

“ _ Thank you. _ You rebelled in your own way, out loud and in front. I want to rebel in my way, from the inside.  _ Let me do this.”  _ Regulus pushed.

Sirius sighed, there was never talking Regulus out of something he set his mind to.

“Be safe? Promise me you’ll be safe.” Regulus shoved Sirius again, towards the door.

“I’ll be safe. Now  _ go,  _ Mother and Father should be up soon.” Sirius nodded, hating the tears that were welling up.

“This-This isn’t goodbye Reggie.” Regulus’s smile shrunk a little at that.

“It never is.”

That was the last thing Sirius heard as the door swung shut behind him. The journey ahead was still so far. He let the tears fall, slipping down his face. But he wouldn’t give up yet, not when he had the chance of starting over.

He starts towards one of the few places he wants to call home.  _ James.  _ And he runs, he runs as fast as he can before remembering something. James isn’t home. He won’t  _ be home  _ for another 4 days. 

He goes to the next logical choice. Remus, or course Remus. The two had started dating last year. He doesn’t know if the thought of Remus makes him more upset or relieved, but the tears are still spilling down his face, and he wants to know how he even fit that much saltiness in his tear ducts. 

It takes him longer than he’d like to reach the young werewolf’s house, but he’s so tired, and his backpack feels like it’s weighing him down. It’s so dark out and he just wants to sleep. Just a few more steps… Just a few.. more… steps... 

He wants to collapse, to just lay there in the fluffy grass of the lawn, but he figures his moony’s arms are much more comfortable. His limbs ache, a mixture of all the adrenaline that’s wearing off and the wounds that are starting to present themselves. He can still feel the harsh tingle in his spine from the aftershocks of the cruciatus curse. The wounds that have long scabbed over on his back and stomach are reopening every time he shifts.

Finally, he drags his feet up to the door. The tears that are dried on his face came flooding back, prickling at his eyes. 

It’s around 4 in the morning when Sirius finally gets there. He’s cradling his right arm to his chest, shaking like a leaf from the cold. Sirius hesitates yet again at another turn. Should he knock, and disturb one of the only people who’s ever loved him.  _ Did Remus love him? _

He almost walks away, but he doesn’t. He’s come far too far to give up. 

He knocks on the door softly at first, before a little louder. He still isn’t sure if he should do it. But lucky for him, Remus was awake. He still has no idea what the button on the right does, he doesn’t push it even though he wants to.

He had gone to bed hours ago, and he meant to sleep, really he did. He just got so invested in his book that by the time he checked the clock it was half-past 3 in the morning. He was in the kitchen, filling a glass of water before going back upstairs. He was startled by a quiet yet insistent knock on his door.

He jumped, almost dropping the cup. The knock was so quiet, he thought he imagined it in his sleep-deprived state.

Then, it came again, followed by a barely-there whimper.

His heart pounding, racing in his chest. He could hear his pulse in his head. Who would be knocking at this hour? Was it safe? Should he get his parents? Should he-

“Re?” The voice was weak, followed by almost silent sobs that he wouldn’t have heard if it weren’t for his advanced hearing.

His heart raced for a different reason this time, he knew that voice.

_ Sirius _

He rushed towards the sound, not even thinking this could be a trap. He threw the door open and revealed a tear-stained Sirius.

“Moons?” His voice cracked, and his eyes flitted around widely like he couldn’t believe Remus was really there, standing in front of him. Like he was still trapped in that house, and he never made it out.

Remis stared at him with wide eyes, Sirius’ hair had been cut uneven and choppy. His pale skin was looming with bruises.

“Sirius,” he whispered, not having meant to have said anything at all. But he can’t believe that this is the same boy he fell in love with. He doesn’t want to believe that his boyfriend, the boy that was brighter than life, brighter than his star in the sky, was reduced to-to this. After only a few days over the holiday at that. 

What kind of monsters would do this?

_ The Blacks apparently. _

It takes Remus a moment to react before pulling the probably disowned heir into him. Sirius goes willingly, melting into the embrace. He feels comfort, cared for,  _ safe.  _ He feels like he’s finally  _ home. _

He lets out a small cry as Remus squeezes him tightly, the painful wounds making themself known to Remus.

The pain in his arms, his ribs, the pain of leaving Regulus. The pain where the mark would have been burned into his arm, The pain of showing up on Remus’ doorstep in the early hours of the morning. The pain of forcing himself to stay living there, under those conditions, for so long.

All he knows is pain and part of him wishes he were numb.

He’s apologizing, a mantra of “Please, I’m sorry,” spilling from his lips. He’s not sure who he’s apologizing to. Whether it be to his parents for failing them, to Regulus for leaving him, his friends for not being good enough, or Remus for coming. He doesn’t even know if he’s apologizing to himself, but that’s not likely.

His knees give out, and his hands are shaking from where they’re gripped onto Remus’ nightshirt. He registers the flashes of pain shooting up his arm from how hard he’s gripping, but he’s not ready to let go yet.

He’s reliving it, all of the abuse, and the spoken words. All those years he felt abandoned inside those walls. And he feels like he’s back there again. He doesn’t know how to make it stop. He wants it to stop.

He feels a hand on his chin and he flinches.  _ Please, don’t hurt me,  _ he thinks. But his eyes meet honey brown ones, his parents don’t have honey brown eyes. They have grey and terrifying ones, not the comforting ones he’s seeing right now.

_ It’s moony, I made it to moony. It’s okay, I got out. _

“It’s just you and me,” He hears the whispered words, the lips saying them being pressed against his forehead in a soft kiss. He finally feels safe when his eyes involuntarily close and he falls into a deep sleep. His wounds can wait until tomorrow. Because nothing else matters when he’s wrapped in his moony’s arms.


	5. control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> skxcnsdjkcx this has a huge tw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh okay read with caution please TW: food, eating, difficulty eating, trouble with body image, struggling with eating

Fine. It was fine. It started off fine, Sirius was in control. He could handle it, he’s been through worse. He grew up around homophobic bigoted idiots who didn’t know nor care when to stop. So why he was glaring at his sandwich like it was his mortal enemy he didn’t know.

He _did know_ that his stomach grumbled in protest as he pushed the plate away. He could last a few more hours without food. Probably until tomorrow afternoon, maybe later.

He had eaten last around 12:00. It was his lunch break, but he had skipped breakfast that morning. He’s been skipping it a lot recently and doesn’t actually remember the last time he ate that was deemed “acceptable.”

Not that it mattered. Not that _he_ mattered anyways. It was only nearing four now. That obviously wasn’t an acceptable time to eat, no. It’d only be six hours since his last meal, that wasn’t okay. 

He didn’t want to be fat or considered overweight, and have the stares from everyone else. The whispers he’d come accustomed to hearing when he passed, but he didn’t want them to be there for the wrong reasons.

Remus nudged him with his elbow, eyebrow raised when he nodded towards the discarded plate.

“M’not hungry,” Sirius mumbled. Remus sighed, placing his own food down.

“You haven’t eaten all day.”

“I ate at lunch.” He turned away from where he was looking at Remus, and back to glaring at his sandwich. The smell of all the food and chewing noises in the great hall were sickening. He could feel the bile rising in his throat but forced it down.

He was fine. He wasn’t sick. Nothing’s wrong with him. 

“You hardly ate anything at lunch.” Sirius faltered. That was _true_ , in a sense at least. It was enough. So he said that.“I ate enough, I’m fine.” Remus bumped his shoulder again.“Well, maybe you can eat a little _more than enough_. At least try?” ****Sirius grumbled, his breath hitching a little as another wave of nausea hit him. His hands flew up to his neck, rubbing a little at a spot there.

“I’m not hungry,” he said again. The words sounded weird on his tongue. He mentally cursed as his stomach growled in protest to his statement. **  
**

Remus raised an eyebrow, picking up his sandwich to take another bite. “Are you sure about that?”

“Shut up.”

He could last a few more hours. If he wanted he could eat now, he had control, didn’t he? He ignored the look he got from Remus when he skipped dinner again the next day, and the way James tried to get him to eat after quidditch practice. 

He ignored the concerned glances he got from Lily, the way Remus would ask him if he was alright when he stumbled while walking. He didn’t miss the way Peter would put his hand on his arm to steady him when his vision would blackout after standing up too fast. Normally when he stood up at all.

No, he ignored it because he wasn’t perfect, he didn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. He was in control. He could last another day, week, he could last months. Because he was fine. He doesn’t know why people cared so much honestly.

And if he spent the next half hour in the bathroom, staring in the mirror and obsessing over the way he wasn’t skinny enough, and that he weighed too much, then that was his business. If he took great pride in weighing less than he did now than this morning, no one else needed to know.

If he had to talk himself out of forcing himself to throw up because he wanted to lose a few pounds, why would anyone else care? It’s not like he did. He was in **control**.


	6. i hate you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius and remus arguing

“I hate you!” Sirius stormed through the door, the walls echoed with his volume.

“I’m just trying to help you!” Remus yelled back, following close behind Sirius. He shrugged off his jacket and hung it on the hook, keeping his eyes locked on Sirius’ back. “Just let me help you,” he said in a much softer tone.

“I don’t want your fucking help!” Remus flinched back at the harshness of it.

“Y-you don’t mean that.” emus stammered, quickly retracting his steps. It felt too stuffy in that room, too loud but too quiet. He didn’t like that the only noise filling the void was yelling and labored breathing. It was too small and he couldn’t escape, except for out the door which he came. The one that, once he left, he could never come back again.

He really didn’t want to use it.

“I do!” Sirius stomped his foot, turning around. “I do mean it.” He pointed his finger at Remus’ chest, “I’m not fucking broken, or one of your stupid extra credit assignments.”

“I don’t see you like that!” He took another step back, being tapped between Sirius and the wall.

“You do! You do fucking see me like that. You treat me like I’m your chore, because you’re too scared about me not able to watch out for myself. I’m not your boyfriend, I’m just a pest you keep around.”

“You’re not a pest Sirius, you—”

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare fucking lie to me!” Remus’ eyes filled with tears.

“I-I’m not. Love—”

“No.” It felt like Sirius hit him. “Get. Out.” The pain got so much worse.

“Y-you want me to leave?” Sirius had turned his back again. He whipped it around to look at Remus.

“Did I fucking stutter?”

Remus swallowed hard. He shuffled towards the door, reaching for his jacket slowly. He hoped Sirius would call out to him to stay, but he didn’t. 

“G-goodbye then… I love you…”

Sirius didn’t answer.

Remus heard the click of the lock, then sobs coming from behind the door after it shut.


	7. meet the lupins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius meets the lupins for the first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I formatted this really weird so uh  
> it might look better on tumblr  
> https://peanut-in-the-goal.tumblr.com/post/636738460634562560/peanut-in-the-goal-peanut-in-the-goal

Do you think about how Sirius pulled the prank back in what? Fifth year? And how if he had met hope and Lyall for the first time after that. Like how pissed would they be that their son is now dating the kid who tried to get him killed or make him a murderer? And I feel like hope would give him a second chance, but Lyall would just be staring him down before looking to Remus or hope and say “when does he leave?” Right in front of him just to be mean

“You tricked my son twice now, I want you out” and he points to the door. But then Sirius cowers back and steps closer to Remus because he just got kicked out of his own house not even a year ago and now Lyall, who hasn’t even know him for five minutes already wants him out of his life. And he can’t help but think, “am I really that unlovable?”

But when he takes a step closer to Remus, lyall is pissed because no. No, don’t use my son as a shield

And Sirius is apologizing, and he doesn’t even know what he did wrong he just knows it’s something and he’s sorry because Lyall and Remus look so much alike and if Remus looked at him like that he’d die

And Hope whisper yells “ _Lyall. Enough_.” but Sirius is already on the verge of tears muttering out apologies and stepping away from Remus. His eyes dart from Lyall’s to Hope, until finally Remus’ and gestures to the door. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you didn't want me here I-ll-I’ll leave and go back to Hogwarts I’m sorry” and his head is ducked looking at the ground as the first tears spill over

Okay but he trudges his feet and goes to move towards the door, but Hope’s hand wraps around his arm gently and he flinches. She looks at him so sad because this boy showed up with his son, and they both look so sad but now Remus is glaring at his father and his boyfriend is crying and she just wants to fix it all

But she can’t fix it, and Sirius is looking at her, his eyes wide and full of terror, but he doesn’t dare to try to pull his arm free from her grasp from the fear

But she notices how scared he is, so he pats his arm softly but lets him go, and Sirius stumbles back but Remus catches him, and Sirius is shaking, staring at Lyall and hope, and Remus’ heart nearly cracks in half when Remus turns to look at him with the same expression like he would ever hurt him

Hope tells Remus to take Sirius to his room, and Remus understands,

_make him feel better_

_make him feel safe_

_tell him Lyall was wrong_

_Love this boy_

She looks at him eye-level and tells him. “I want you here, it’s okay.”

But Sirius doesn’t feel like he’s okay, and he’s still scared, leaning onto Remus with tears still sliding down his face

Remus gently leads Sirius upstairs, and his arm is looped around his waist but Sirius is so tense and his legs are so shaky, he feels like his knees are going buckle and he’ll collapse. Remus keeps him upright, taking him to the bathroom next to his room.

He gets a damp cloth while Sirius sits on the counter. Remus stands close, between his legs and wipes gently at the tears there. Sirius is still hiccuping softly, eyes squeezed closed and his hands in fists.

“ _I’m sorry,”_ he whispers, voice thinks with tears.

And Remus is shushing him so fast, kissing his cheeks where the tears are still falling,

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he whispers into the salty skin, he uses his thumbs to wipe away the rest, raising onto his tiptoes to press a kiss to Sirius’s forehead, coaxing him to open his eyes

“But I— Snape, I told him— A-and your dad, I…” And he’s audibly sobbing now, the heels of his hands pressed harshly into his eyes.

Remus is there, tugging his hands away to cradle in his own before placing another soft kiss to his lips.

“Love… It was stupid yes,” Sirius lets out another cry at that, trying to tug his hands back. Remus holds on to them tightly. “ _But,_ we moved past that. I forgive you, I love you.”

“B-but.” Sirius stutters out, his eyes finally flutter open. But this time it is not just fear there, there’s also shame burning in his grey irises.

Remus sighs, bringing Sirius's hands up to kiss them before letting go. He lets one of his hands trail softly over Sirius’ jaw before forcing him to look at him.

“But _nothing,_ Sirius I forgave you for that remember?” Sirius shakingly nods his head, before opening his mouth to argue. Remus cuts him off

“I. Love. You.” Every word is emphasized with a kiss.

“I love you too,” Sirius whispers, suddenly feeling too drained to fight back as he wounds his arms around Remus’ shoulder and slumps against him.

Remus laughs softly, rubbing Sirius’ back.

“Come on, let’s brush our teeth, then we can go to my room. Sirius grumbles but sits up and jumps off the counter. He leans into Remus’ side.

“Thank you,” he mumbles. His eyes are heavy but he reaches for the toothbrush that Remus offers. He stares at it for a moment before looking back at Remus.

“What the fuck is this?” Sirius questioned. Remus already has his in his mouth and nearly chokes when he sees Sirius’ confused face.

“Hmm?” He laughs, _would’ve laughed_

He spits out the toothpaste.

“That's a toothbrush, Sirius.”

“Oh… What’s that?” Sirius tilts his head like a puppy, and Remus has to kiss him again. His eyes are still red and puffy, and his voice keeps getting caught, but Remus can tell he’s feeling a little better.

“Love, how do you clean your teeth when we’re at school?”

“Cleaning charms? Like James? I hate the feeling of it though. Feels like worms running, or rather _wiggling,_ around in my mouth.”

Remus laughs again, taking the toothbrush to him. He squeezes some toothpaste onto the toothbrush for him before handing it back.

“Just… scrub your teeth with it.” Sirius looks at him weirdly before putting it in his mouth, moving it back and forth slowly.

“‘ike dis?” He asks around the toothbrush. Remus shakes his head fondly.

“Sure, star.”

The two go back to Remus’ room. Sirius is exhausted, today had been such a whirlwind and all he wants to do is sleep forever, and not wake up until Christmas break is over, He doesn’t think he can face Lyall in the morning. The thought of it, what he said, makes him want to cry again.

He sniffs, determined not to cry but buries his face into the crook of Remus's neck. Remus coos softly, pulling Sirius closer to him and lets him gather his thoughts. 

“I’m sorry you know, about what he said. He’s wrong. You _know_ he’s wrong. I love you, and I want you here, mam wants you too. He just… He…”

“He hates me.” Remus feels Sirius’ lips move against his skin, and then there’s the warm feeling of tears again.

“No,” Remus all but gasps out. “He doesn’t hate you, he just- I don't…”

“You don’t have to keep making excuses for him Re.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Sirius tightened his grip on Remus, hugging him tighter from where his arms were twined around his back.

They stood like that for a while longer, hugging in the middle of the bedroom until Sirius yawned.

“Can we go to sleep, talk more in the morning?” He murmured, eyes closed and leaning on Remus

Remus hummed in response, moving away from Sirius slightly. “Let’s go to bed then.”

They got dressed in silence, Remus giving Sirius his favorite sweater that he liked to sleep in the best.

“ _it’s soft, and it smells like you moonikins.”_ He would say. Remus just about melted the first time Sirius said that to him. 

The sweater was far too big on him, a striking yellow that almost went to his knees, the sleeves were long enough that he’d have to fold them back multiple times if he wanted his hands to be visible.

Sirius would look so soft like this, if it weren’t for the tear tracks that were drying on his face again. His face was still red and blotchy, and his nose was still sniffly. 

“c’mere,” Remus held his arms out for Sirius as he sat on the bed, letting his star almost tackle him into laying down. They rearranged until Remus lay on his back, and Sirius lay on his stomach, curled into his boyfriend with his head on his chest. Remus reached over to his nightstand to grab one of the many books he kept there

He read aloud until Sirius fell asleep to his voice. The steady heartbeat of Remus and the way his voice rumbled in his chest brought a sense of security that he couldn’t quite place, but he didn’t want to lose it either


	8. prank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh after sirius pulls the prank on remus

Remus is in the dorm screaming and pulling on his own hair while he cries.

“I trusted you! I fucking trusted you!! And what I hate the most is that I still love you, you asshole!” 

After the prank, James and Peter are forced to listen to their  friends’ brother’s cries at night because he can't sleep peacefully without the comforting presence of Sirius by his side. And they have to do everything they can to keep him from accidentally hurting himself from fury and rage.

they don't think he’s going to make it to the next moon. A blue moon, because the fates are against him and there were 2 that month

\--

Sirius hasn’t been seen much since the prank. He doesn’t come by the tower much anymore, when he does it’s for a change of clothes. No one ever sees him. One day his trunk disappears from the end of his bed.

It was getting too hard to go back every so often and hear his friends' laughter as he waited outside the door for them to go to sleep.

\--

James is worried. He forgave Sirius ages ago, even when he knows he shouldn’t have. But the guilt is destroying Sirius, he can see it. But he can't do anything about it. He had to pick a side and he picked Remus.

As much as he loves the werewolf as his brother, he hates to admit that he cares more for Sirius. So now he’s stuck with deciding if he should stab someone in the back to save another.

He knows why Sirius did it, and his reasoning. It was reckless and stupid and  _ cruel,  _ but now it made sense as to  _ why.  _

\--

Sirius has been staring at the wall for the past hour. He thinks it’s been an hour, time doesn’t feel very real. There’s nothing to fill it, no friends, no laughter, no people.

He’s finished his homework by now, he’s had it done hours ago. Now he just stares at the wall as the clock keeps ticking on.

The only coherent thought that circulates in his head if  _ I fucked up. He hates me and it’s my fault. _

It’s not the first night that Sirius falls asleep with tear tracks on his face. It doesn’t matter, no one knows where to find him anyways.

\--

They can’t find him, Sirius.

Remus has been looking. He knows he shouldn't, he knows he should hate him. But he can’t. Not when he’s in love with the idiot. James has started to help too, both of them scanning every room that they enter.

But they can’t find that mop of black hair anywhere. He’s not in the dorm, the dining hall, or any classes. They’ve checked the astronomy tower a thousand times over but he’s just  _ gone. _

The map has disappeared along with him. Sirius obviously doesn’t want to be found.

\--

The stars seem dimmer. They have been for a while now. James sits in the quidditch stands. It’s long after curfew, but sometimes he has to escape too.

it’s hard acting like everything is okay all the time for his friends when he’s crumbling inside. He hasn’t seen his best friend in weeks, going onto a month. They’ve never gone this long without talking, much less see each other. 

He just wants to make sure he’s okay, and not off dead in a ditch somewhere. He knows Sirius can dig himself into a ditch when he wants. He blames himself for everything, or blows things out of proportion.

A lot.

He’s worried, so beyond worried at this point. He isn’t sure if that worry lessens or increases when he sees a thing dog gallop across the quidditch pitch in the dark.

\--

Sirius doesn’t sleep much at night anymore. He doesn’t sleep much in general, not unless he can’t help it. Unless he’s exhausted and will collapse if he doesn’t sleep  _ now.  _

Sometimes at night, he turns into Padfoot and just  _ runs.  _ He’s always hoped since he was young that if he could run fast enough, that he’d be able to leave, and escape.

But he’s never had the heart to. Not since he’s met the rest of the Marauders. They were the first people he saw as family. Real family, people who loved him and wanted to be around him.

But he fucked that up. He lost them, and they never wanted to see him again.

He had to accept it.

Sirius grew up around people who didn’t want him. He thought his family were just ignorant prats, but it turns out that maybe, it was his fault. He really is an unlovable mutt.

\--

James shot up onto his feet. But the dog was already lost into the forest. At least James knew he was alive, but it wasn’t enough. Something didn’t seem right, the dog was too skinny. His ribcage didn’t use to stick out that much...

\--

Remus paced his dorm. He had to find Sirius. He had to find him, he had to find him, he had to find him.

James told him about what he saw that night, about the skinny, sickly looking dog. He wouldn’t let Sirius ruin himself because of him. He loved him more than he wanted to admit.

He would find him.

\--

Sirius collapsed just on the edge of the forbidden forest, by Hagrid's hut. He was chased by the centaurs,  _ again.  _ It gave him a thrill that he couldn’t get anymore. Made him feel alive.

Although it always left him dead tired. Sometimes it was good, it means he was able to get to sleep that night. But dawn was breaking at and the sun was rising over the trees. It wouldn’t be long before someone found him.

He barely registers the fact that he turned back to human form as his eyes drift shut.

\--

Hagrid finds him that morning. This boy who is usually larger than life, with a smile that is blinding, was reduced to skin and bones, with matted hair in just a few weeks.

He lifts the all too light boy and makes his way to the Hospital Wing.

\--

Sirius wakes up to white walls and bright lights.

It smells an awful lot like antiseptic and potions. He hates it because he can recognize where he is immediately. 

He’s grateful that none of his friends—no, not friends. Classmates— aren’t there. He doesn’t expect them to be, although it still kind of hurts seeing as they don’t care.

\--

The others weren’t told that Sirius was in the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomphrey didn’t think they’d want to know, nor would they care. She sees the way Sirius has changed. How skinny and underweight he is.

No doubt they’re the cause for this change. They’re the ones that shunned and exiled him.

Although their responses weren’t uncalled for. She herself was reluctant to treat the boy at first, knowing how he hurt Remus.

But this was far more serious than she had originally thought.

\--

The only reason that James found out where Sirius was there was because he had to help bring a quidditch teammate. Their keeper blocked a shot wrong and sprained his wrist. There was an upcoming match against Slytherin this weekend, so he wasn’t taking any risks.

He saw Sirius lying unconscious in the hospital bed. Well, he  _ thought  _ he was unconscious.

\--

Sirius woke to James’ voice. He hasn’t heard that voice in so long. He misses him.

His eyes stayed shut, he wonders if he had opened them would James have stayed?

He heard James’ look curse, before heavy footsteps and the door to the Hospital Wing slamming shut. He can’t help but be disappointed that even just his appearance is enough to make someone flee.

\--

Remus is seething by the time he gets down all the staircases and reaches the hospital wing. James had rushed up to tell him that Sirius was there and he was  _ breathing. _

He wasn’t in the best of shape but he would be okay. They could help him and make him  _ okay,  _ even just a little bit to make him feel better.

The door to the Hospital Wing swung open as Remus and James stormed in.

\--

Sirius startles from where he’s trying to fall back asleep. He wasn’t being very successful anyways. 

He sits up quickly, looking towards the source of the sound. His head is pounding slightly and his vision dances before his eyes before blacking out for a moment from sitting up too fast. 

When it clears, he can finally see. And what he sees terrifies him.

Both James and Remus are storming towards him, a matching unreadable expression covering their faces.

Sirius wanted nothing more than to shrink up and melt into the Hospital bed.

\--

“The hell were you thinking Black??” James’ voice was loud, he only ever yelled when he was joking or really fucking pissed. Sirius didn’t think it was the former with his luck.

He flinched away from the voice,

This was the first time he’s been addressed in a long time. The first time someone was actually trying to communicate with him in something other than glares in weeks.

_ But you deserve this. They hate you. They should hate you, you fucked up. You shouldn’t be here, lying in this bed. You don’t deserve it. _

He tried to get the voice in his head to shut up, but it wouldn’t. It was right anyways.

\--

Remus looked at his best friend. Someone he used to call his boyfriend. He wished he still did.

Sirius looked tiny in that bed. Like a spooked animal with wide eyes, frantically looking around for an escape. He merely shrugged at James’ question, eyes dropping down at his hands as to not have to look at them.

Remus’ heart broke.

_ I did this. _ He thought.  _ I love him so much and yet this is my fault. I reduced him to-to this! _

\--

James didn’t know who he was madder at. Sirius or himself.

Then again, Sirius only did what they asked. They told him to stay away, to stop talking because they didn’t want to hear it. 

Sirius really couldn’t be blamed for running.

\--

They spent the rest of the day in the Hospital Wing. Making sure Sirius stayed and ate, and maybe one day he will be  _ okay. _

Sirius couldn’t believe it when they said he was welcomed back. That they didn’t hate him. He cried.

He got his friends back that day, he had his family again.

Madam Pomphrey was relieved to see the gang back together again. Although she might be seeing Mr. Snape a lot more...


End file.
